And Another Thing: The Supreme Heel Test

Posted by Hyatte on 12.10.2000

Working the Heel Gimmick is easy. Jeer the crowd, threaten them with bodily harm, let them know that they are number one by using the wrong finger… basically just make sure that they are firmly on the side of your opponent. That's why God created Heels. The Heel makes the audience hate him by doing unspeakable things to his opponent, hopefully whom the audience is cheering. Anyone can be a Heel, and with precious few exceptions, damn near everyone in Pro Wrestling has been one.

The question is… who has the chops to be a Supreme Heel?

Working the Heel Gimmick is sheer simplicity itself. In fact, it’s downright fun. Getting people mad at you is a walk in the park as opposed to getting them to go wild for you. All the pressure is off. The Face has to work his butt off for a pop. All the Heel has to do, really, is call them a bunch of “trailer trash”, and soak in the catcalls. That’s all there is to it. It’s a snap.

Becoming a Supreme Heel, though… that’s take some work, not to mention a tremendous amount of chutzpah. If done correctly, though, anyone can be a Supreme Heel. Even a Face.

So, how can you master the art of becoming a Supreme Heel? All a Professional Wrestler has to do is to take this simple Supreme Heel Test. Answer Yes or No to the following series of questions and see if you have what it takes to transcend the Heel Gimmick and become a member of an elite cadre of stars who not only talk the Heel persona, but embody it. I invite all wrestlers to take the test and find out where you stand among the Supreme Heels of Sports Entertainment.

01: Are you a chronic complainer backstage?

02: Do you grow easily tired of long house show tours and leave early, citing injury?

03: Are you a ring veteran and demand accordance and respect as such?

04: Are you over with the fans and remind your peers and bosses of it every day?

05: Do you openly and loudly count the days until your contract expires?

06: Do you go on radio shows and badmouth your own company when it’s doing poorly in the ratings?

07: Did you receive, or at least ask for, a clause in your contract that gives you the power to book the endings to all of your matches? (Known as the “Hogan Clause”)

08: Do you demand booking influence, then immediately book yourself into a World Title reign?

09: Do you take all credit for the company’s success when things are good, but be the first to point fingers when it’s doing poorly?

10: Do you take time off for a few months during times of crisis?

11: Do you come back as soon as things start looking up, just so you can take credit?

12: Do you refuse to lose?

13: Instead of openly celebrating your experience and incorporating it into your character, do you force everyone to treat you as a youngster?

14: Do you take inside shots at your own company designed to embarrass them live on air?

15: Do you aggressively position yourself to be an influence to your promoter?

16: Do you use this influence to keep younger workers below you and the fabled “Glass Ceiling” intact?

17: Do you keep that potbelly that has grown over the years?

18: Do you strive to put on exciting matches that reflect the changing times, or do you stick to the same five moves you’ve been using for the last ten years?

19: Do you refuse to drop your ancient character gimmick instead of letting it evolve realistically?

20: Do you use dirty politics in order to keep yourself safely in the main event?

21: Do you form a tight circle of friends in order to become a backstage political force?

22: Do you force your untalented friends and family on the company?

23: Do you disregard the safety of your opponents and only care about protecting yourself during high-risk spots?

24: Do you pick and choose whom you’re going to sell to and put over?

25: Finally, is your arrogance, belligerence, insecurities, and selfishness bringing locker room moral to an all time low?

If you have answered, “yes” to many, then congratulations, you have gone above and beyond that of a typical Professional Wrestler. You have successfully parlayed your years of ring experience, well-honed charisma with the fans, and moneymaking gimmick into a morally vapid, ethically challenged, egomaniacal political force within the company. Congratulations, once again!

After all, wrestling is a cutthroat business, right? It’s every man for himself. Each man, essentially, is a Freelancer-fighting with hundreds of others for a precious spot on the card and a precious place in the hearts of fans and the annals of legend. You worked very hard to get there. Why shouldn’t you abuse your hard earned position? No one helped you on your way up, why should you help anyone else, other than your fellow Supreme Heels, naturally

You’ll be happy to know that by being a Supreme Heel, you are now a member of a very select group. There are quite a few huge stars that have tested very highly here. Hulk Hogan almost achieved perfect scores. Randy Savage has, as well. Kevin Nash, Dallas Page, Shawn Michaels, Roddy Piper, and Lex Luger… they’ve all aced this test with flying colors.

There are some workers who didn’t answer, “yes” to all of them, but they hit more than enough to qualify. Ric Flair seems content to retire with a solid “B-” grade. Triple H is relatively young, but off to a good start. Goldberg only scored enough to barely qualify, but like Triple H, he has plenty of time to evolve. In a few years, they can take the test again and I’m sure the results will be more conclusive. Those who scored higher simply benefited from being around longer. With experience, I’m sure Helmsley and Goldberg will reach the level of Supreme Heel that their older peers currently enjoy.

Unfortunately, however, there is one star who has performed miserably here. An “Aged Veteran” who should take his place in this exclusive club, but instead chooses to waste his Superstar Status by placing the company ahead of his own needs, by accepting every job he is asked to perform, and by working to make his opponent look just as good as he does. He does this quietly and with nary a complaint, even after a full decade as a legitimate superstar.

Indeed, the Undertaker has failed dramatically, earning himself a definite “F” across the boards. He simply refuses to put forth the effort, even though the potential is definitely there. He is setting a bad example for all future wrestling legends, and making the Supreme Heels of Professional Wrestling look terrible.

And to that, I say thank you, Mr. Callaway.

This is Hyatte too